...were the immortal words i uttered (yelled) as i walked into my friends house after breaking up with my ex (he didn't like mushroom, couldn't put them in anything). ignoring the fact that after that mantra i spiralled in to 5 months of virtual alcoholism and insanity, but while being a near alcoholic and slightly in need of a padded cell, i was independent. and loved it! so... what happened?
i have realised i have what is called "dependency issues'. yes. a afflicition usually reserved for those of the male origin, however, in this context, i mean it in the complete opposite way. I have realised that when i am with someone, (a boyfriend) that i start off aloof, maybe even standoffish. "i don't want to loose my independance" i cry to my female friends, I enjoy being my own person!! and the a few months down the line. BOOM. Uh-Oh.
Its not enforced by anyone but me (this time). In contrast to my ex, my current beau is the bees knees, the cats pyjamas, if you will. I love him dearly with all my heart. he's never made me feel like i have to answer to him, never ever made me feel like i can't go out with my friends or do things on my own, so why have i somehow managed to bind myself to him, limpit style?? It's irritatingly pathetic.
Boyfriend is away this weekend for a friends wedding. Invitations were sent out before we were together, I have no idea who this person is, obviously, i'm not going. That's fine. (apart from when people ask me where he is this weekend, the response to the answer is met by a confused look, and "oh, why aren't you going?" - but i'll leave that slight humilation alone for now). and so, (before you judge me too harshly, i will stress, that i don't get to have much proper one on one time with BF); instead of embracing a weekend where i don't feel the need to shave my legs, can actually paint that chest of drawers that i've been meaning to do for months, or enjoy some quality time with friends or just in my house which i haven't seen much of of late, i wimper, "I miiiiiiiiiiiiiiss him." I mean, i'm not the best feminist at the best of times, equal rights, sure, but i'd trade you my career for 2 kids and baking anyday, but that's not the point. When did it all go a bit 17th Century?
I feel abandoned (i know i'm not), I feel lonely (my best friends will be round in approximately 20 minutes), I feel like a complete moron!
This, has been quite cathartic. Thank you. In the time it has taken me to read through this I have drawn one conclusion. Women, it's true what they say, we're mental.
i am going to go and enjoy my boy free weekend, embrace my hairy legs, but more ugly than hairy legs is dependence.